march
I love in March.
The days become longer and the weather becomes warmer; I feel renewed for yet another year.
I meet you not long after, and you fill me to the brim with everything I've ever wanted; even the things I always felt I never deserved.
I love in March; and I will continue to love you until the days are neither long nor short, and the weather neither warm nor cool.
you
You make my face flush red.
Our connection is the only thing that makes me beautiful,
the only thing that gives me color.
interview
I get dressed in a suitable outfit and put my hair up in the cleanest way.
I recite my lines as if it's a script and throw in a laugh whenever I deem necessary.
Afterward, my face is raw and my cheeks burn as a consequence of my insincere portrayal of emotion. However, it is now over and done, and all I can do now is wait.
My chances are slim, yet my fingers are crossed as I await the board's final decision.
Two days later, I open my inbox and find an email titled 'Congratulations!' and know that I have succeeded. But I am not happy, as I thought it would be. For now, I have added just another responsibility added to my plate.
​​
second-hand smoke
You reek of disclination,
it poisons me just the same.
Your second-hand smoke rots my lungs,
but you don't care enough to quit.
my affair with a monster
I met him when I was young. We grew apart before we grew together, and when we were one, we were careless and destructive. He was different from anyone I'd ever met; cold but warm, angry but happy, and argumentative but agreeable all at once. He fascinated me. It’s not until now, that I look back and realize how he wasn’t any of those things at all. He was nothing more than a liar. He had a mind for manipulation, and being the naive girl that I was, I believed he’d spare me from this subtle and hostile act. I didn’t know it then, but now I see that in reality, I was the main target. The key subject.
He would come over when the sun was high, and I would return him home when the sun became low. While we were in each other’s presence, we would talk, cry, laugh, and do other things neither of us dared to mention. There was never any indication that everything we had would shatter due to the actions of his secret infidelities. I was oblivious, unaware, and stupid in love. Around the time of his move from the southern territory we shared, to the north that we had never traveled together, things started to falter. However, I was so infatuated with him that I refused to believe anything was wrong, or out of the ordinary. I thought we could go on like this forever. In my eyes, as long as we had each other, we were bulletproof. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
In a way, it’s my fault for putting my faith in a human such as him. Our detachment unraveled quite quickly. After his lies, unfaithfulness, and true intentions came to light, I left.
If you think it was easy for me, it was not. I would make myself sick from sorrow. I would cry until my eyes would swell to an abnormal size and my heart felt as if it would crumble. But, as the days went on my self-pity turned to undeniable anger. I was angry that I allowed myself to be fooled to the extent that I had been, and I was angry that he got away with it.
Now, he has an endless rotation of women who are much prettier and much more talented than I. They are everything that I am not.
I go home at night and read until my eyes hurt, to escape the reality that I live in day to day. I am left alone until I decide to carry myself to my room and allow darkness to consume me.
He goes home at night and plays the piano for his mother, while she takes a bath in the next room over. The sweet melodies created by the swift movement of his slender fingers fill her ears, and her heart, with the most peaceful relaxation you can imagine. In her eyes, her son can do no harm. I pity her, for she will never know the darkness that lurks inside her son as I do.
cheated
I feel as if I've been cheated. The million small whispers you have voiced into my ear have been nothing but adolescent lies. Your careless actions burn more than your continuing infidelity, and the way you turn the other cheek when confronted forces me to believe that your caring has always been non-existent; a mere facade.
You allow me something to write about, which leads to the one thing you have and will always crave; attention. However, knowing you, you won't take it lightly when you're portrayed as the villain you are, rather than the hero you wish to be.
​
in-between
Two people, leading me in opposite directions. I don't need power, I don't crave money, but at times it's difficult to separate my thoughts from my feelings. My judgment gets clouded until I forget whatever it was I thought I knew; thought I felt.
Each time I make up my mind, I am filled with instant regret, regardless of what, or whom, I choose. The inability to truly know what I want weighs on me a great deal. It drags me down like a prisoner in chains. Holding me captive in the in-between until I am defiant enough to propose an appeal.
As of now, I don't know who I am, or what I want. But I do know that before I choose anyone else, I must choose myself.